Sometimes, you find yourself in a heap on the laundry room floor sobbing your eyeballs out and wonder how on earth did I end up here? I mean, there are always signs, “red flags” and maybe even bricks-over-the-head moments that should have clued you in. But did you listen to those clues? Perhaps not. Perhaps you were standing on the edge of the cliff evaluating your life in the months, if not years, leading up to this moment and you contemplated jumping. But the thinker (in my case, over thinker) in you decided to wait until a parachute and a plan appeared.
But sometimes the decision to jump isn’t our own. A few of us may have been pushed (shoved, throttled) off of said cliff without a parachute let alone a plan in place. What then follows is a journey through self-doubt, pain and sacrifice, re-birth, self-discovery, and finally there’s the soaring-through-the-blue-skies moment when you realize how happy you are that someone pushed you off of that cliff. The cliff I’m referring to is making the decision to divorce my husband of 17 years (we were together 19) in 2010 after I found out he was seeing another woman. From discovering his long-distance emotional affair with another woman, to realizing he was seeing the neighbor, the ordeal took two difficult years until I finally pulled the plug and the ride has been interesting.
I started this blog while I’m knee-deep in that journey. It’s like working my way through a great book…There are moments when characters are being established, stories and plot lines taking place, contemplating who the villian (or villians) and heroes are in the book…all while I move from one chapter to the next, anxious to devour the next page. I sometimes find that I move through some chapters slowly, some quickly and sometimes I even skip back to the earlier chapters to re-read something I may have missed the first go ’round. It’s all good, because this is my journey.
Admittedly, there have been times where I think this is such a crap-tastic book I’m throwing it away and looking for a new one! Those times come further and further apart now, which I’m ever-so thankful for. But there was a time where I thought can I really make it through this? I now know that I can. I learned how to gain strength on my own, I’ve recently married an amazing man, I’m mom to 8 wonderful kids (4 his, 4 mine), and I am writing my own story. Daring to dream. Daring to try. Daring to love again. Daring to be myself. Because, sadly, that was something I dared not do in the past. I’m happy to be the leading lady in this story. Now…let’s see what the next chapter will bring!