Posts from the ‘divorce’ category

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Life lessons can hit you head on, blind side you, or whack you from behind and leave you face down trying to figure out what the crap just happened. It’s funny how these things creep up on you…kinda like granny panties (Side note: switch to a thong if this happens to you…less material up there makes wedgies obsolete!)

Next week, I’m looking forward to celebrating my 44th birthday. Who am I kidding, no I’m not. I am looking forward to celebrating it in Las Vegas with my husband, but I digress.

As I look back at my 43 years so far, I’ve had my share of life lessons I’ve learned. Some I took like a spoonful of sugar. Others are still a bitter pill I try to swallow with a smile on my face.

After trudging through all these lessons and “aha moments” in my life, I’ve paved the path for others. I’ve been there, done that! The following are a number of things I know to be true. Hopeful a few of these will help you along your journey!

1. When you grow up with a parent who indirectly (or directly) criticizes you about your hair, choice in boys, choice in friends, choice to dance and says “ there’s no way I’m gonna let you go out there and shake your ass” you MUST look within yourself for your value. They don’t want to compliment you or congratulate you because then they (they being a narcissist) won’t be the center of attention. And once they see (in their mind, that is) you passing them in talent, looks or intelligence, they will begin to “hitch their wagon” to you. That extra pressure is like cement shoes. Remind yourself it is not your job to make that personality happy in their life (The life they complain about often to you). It’s your job to build a life for YOU. The one you want. Not the one your mother wants you to have.

2. There’s a phrase that Forest Gump repeats, one that his mother taught him: “Stupid is as stupid does.” The same is true about negativity. Negative is as negative does. I was married to a man who called his sister fat and lazy and expressed his disgust for her, got pissed that the neighbor copied us by painting her water meter to the point that he wouldn’t talk to her, ended a friendship with a couple we often went out with because the husband didn’t tip, and despised a teammate of my son’s because his mother was a bitch. I was raised by a woman like this who had the same mud-colored glasses on. And the more I was around these two, the more deep in the mud I became. My ex and I became so annoyed at that neighbor that we actually moved a few months later. Yes, moved! And yes, the mother of the boy was completely abrasive and spoiled and wanted her kid at short-stop and batting forth and put high demands on the coaches, but that didn’t give my ex a right to tell me he loved it every time that boy struck out. I had to remind this man that the kid up to bat was an 11 year old boy. When you are around this person, you get sucked in to their false reality. You end up griping on the phone together. You go to family dinners and are itching to spread the “how dare theys” and “can you believes.” The energy is heavy and dirty and toxic and it swallows you. Your mud-colored glasses make you critical and constantly looking for everyone’s faults. You must recognize when you think this way and break free from the pull of this type of personality. EVERYONE is good enough. EVERYONE tries their best every day. EVERYONE deserves love. And until a person shows you otherwise, you should be gracious, giving and open. Stop right now and ask yourself Am I with a person like this?

3. Leaving the people with the personalities I’ve mentioned above, whether through a divorce or by setting boundaries, is never an easy thing when you’ve spent considerable time with these people. I’ve seen that lots of people move in and out the narcissist’s life. But those of us that have stayed with/tolerated/enabled these types of people have a hard time truly leaving. Sense the signs early. These people will make you feel guilty for having your own goals. They poo-poo your ideas or shoot your dreams down, always pointing out how they’re absurd. It will take everything you have to pull away. They will toss and tangle you in their games and you must keep walking.

4. Once you finally get away from a narcissist, you will not be yourself for awhile. It’s a strange, crazy phenomenon to be mourning the “old” you and at the same time trying on so many “new” yous. It’s freeing and scary and crazy and sometimes, it’s stupid. You might lie down at night and hate yourself for some of these moments. There are things I felt and did and tried that I glance back on and think Yeah…that wasn’t so smart! But those things are part of my journey. And each is a thread in the pieces that make me, me. I mean, really, I didn’t date much as a teen so taking off for a weekend to St. George with a man I only spoke to twice on the phone isn’t the “old” Lori (or all that smart for that matter). But the “new” Lori said yes and met a great friend and we shared lots of divorce drama stories. Be careful with yourself. And be forgiving.

5. When a beautiful 21 year old guy grabs you and pulls you into the bathroom to sneak a kiss before you return to your table, let the moment happen. At 41, to learn that lesson, well that was a spoonful of sweet, sweet sugar.

6. When someone tells you they love you, and you think they’ll love you forever, there’s a chance they don’t even know what love is. Or their too proud to show it. Or they just never loved you in the first place. And that’s ok.

7. Your kids will heal after the dust of divorce settles…on their own time. And they’ll never be the same. This is a bitter pill for me. At least for now. I’m crushed to see their pain still resurface. I’m shattered their paths were altered forever. I pray every night they each find their true selves and grow and love. Still working on this one.

8. Learning to trust again takes time. And it also takes a leap of faith. People will take advantage of your big heart. People will lie to you. People will look at you with pity in their eyes or judge you for your “unfortunate situation.” Don’t harden your shell. Don’t stoop to their level. Don’t give up on the joys of life and experiencing and growing. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

9. The person you left will continue to throw rocks at you. They will file court orders, they will judge your parenting, they will spread lies about you and spit venom at you at every chance they can. And the sun will rise again tomorrow. And it will be another wonderful day you can celebrate being free.

10. Invest in people who invest in you. So many people surround me and support me and care for me and love me and my life is full. No one makes me feel guilty. No one puts me down. They don’t criticize me. They are there for me. Genuinely and sincerely.

11. When someone new tells you they love you, and you think they’ll love you forever, there’s a chance they just might.

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I’m not quiet and shy. You won’t find me sitting in the corner at a party watching all of the action from the sidelines. It’s not in my nature. I’m a strong, athletic woman who at 5 foot10 inches tall can walk into a room and intimidate people. Ask one of my best friends about her first impressions of me and she’ll tell you about seeing me in the hallway of our kids’ school and thinking Look at her all tall and blonde. She’s got it goin on!

At that time in my life, I was just entering the world of frazzled single momhood and drifting like a lost ship at sea in the dark just trying to find solid ground to land on. My life had been tossed up in the air like a bowl of confetti. It was sprinkled everywhere for everyone to see and falling all around me at a fast rate. I hardly felt “put together” but I was on a journey to find myself again and the glow must have shown on my face.

After being with someone for nearly 20 years who didn’t seem to appreciate the “true” me, I had turned into a quiet, unsure human being. I’ve spent lots of time doubting myself, my looks, my worth. I lived in that zip code for waaaaaaay too long! Near the end of that relationship I began my metamorphosis into the strong, happy person I am now and I’m not apologizing one bit for my strength and confidence. (Damn, that sounds cocky and outright snobbish–but it’s not meant that way at all!)

It wasn’t a very long road back to confidence and true-happiness, because starting my new life was like freeing my soul to live its true purpose. Most important to note: I got to this place on my own. I didn’t jump into one relationship after another to fix myself. A man didn’t help me feel beautiful. Money didn’t make me feel successful. It all started within myself.

Yes, there were (and are) days filled with self-doubt. But not many. I catch myself when I’m putting myself down in my head. Those crappy self-talks you have in your head about how dumb or crazy a mistake you made was or how your stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be? Those aren’t allowed! So stop that right now. Think of all the wonderful things you are and how far you’ve come.

Today, I am one week away from turning 44. I’ve raised 4 kids, sacrificed a lot for a marriage that failed, paid lawyers fees, moved my kids, embraced the opportunity to grow, and moved on with my life. I am more loving, confident, sexual, outgoing, fulfilled, happy and positive than I ever have been in my entire life. And people notice.

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There’s a certain energy that surrounds you when you enjoy the person you’ve become. You will walk taller. You smile more. Your owning it and feeling like the sexiest woman on the planet will have people feeling drawn to you and you will soon be booking long weekends in bed with your spouse or significant other. If people can’t embrace that or want you to change because their insecure or can’t handle your confidence, don’t change who you are for them. You will only end up unhappy and broken. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!

I challenge you today to quiet that critical voice in your head. Practice smiling. A lot. Laugh. Flirt even. Hell, take your clothes off and stand naked in front of the mirror and name, out loud, 10 beautiful things about your body. You can do this! Stop comparing yourself to an image in your head and get your sexy on! Up your energy and own who you are. There is no one else out there like you so show people the best you. You’ll be happier, and they’ll be happy you showed them who the best you really is!

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Mojo.

Confidence.

Comfortable in your own skin.

Authentic self.

I think it’s quite safe to say that everyone is here on earth to find it. No matter what you call “it,” it is at the core of happiness and the true sign of success. Many people are fooled to believe that such happiness is purchased with cash (or credit–depends on the person) and it’s meant to be shown off to the world. You’re successful when you have a large home, new cars in the driveway, glamorous vacations multiple times a year, and…

Wrong.

I remember there was a point during my first marriage when I felt as though something was missing in my life, and I couldn’t identify it. I felt like there was something more in the world/my life for me and my family. I wasn’t sure what that was, but I knew I needed to find it.

This comes as a surprising admission from a girl who seemed to have it all from the outside. Even as I write this it’s strange to admit out loud. I was a woman who had just had her second child–the second of two in two years. Two wonderful boys. We had a beautiful home, and we both had worked hard so I would only have to work part-time and could be home with my kids. I had always wanted to be a mother, and these children were my greatest blessings. Yet somehow, I felt lost in my life. My life as Lori.

One day, as my baby and my 21 month-old napped, I turned the channel over to Oprah and watched as she interviewed Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of her new book, Something More. I listened as her and Oprah chatted about gratitude, joy, simplicity. All the things I longed for in my life yet couldn’t see in front of me. I looked around at my life and felt quite selfish for wanting more when it seemed I already had so much.

I soon picked up the book and began to read it. I felt embarrassed for my then husband to see it, because I knew he would judge me and make fun of me as he often did when I went on one of my “personal growth” journeys. I read through the exercises and made mental notes about “returning to my childhood” and “excavating my authentic self.” I began tapping into the Lori I used to be, but I never did finish that book or my personal journey…life, more children, and other distractions took over my day-to-day.

It’s a shame I stopped “searching,” really. Because now, I look back at that moment in time, and I see that’s when I realized things in my life were becoming very empty. My ex had become friends with a woman at work, her husband had called me to see why our home number was appearing on his phone bill all of the time, and I was told I was “overreacting” when I asked my spouse about the phone call. The tides were changing in our marriage, and I became more and more the strong mother rather than nurture myself or my already failing marriage. The feeling of something is missing was pushed to the side and I went into survival mode.

I became the girl who looked forward to “someday.” “Someday,” when my kids are older. “Someday,” when we have more money. “Someday,” when we build our dream house. “Someday,” when I go back to work full-time. The list went on and on.

But life was happening right then. I was so busy planning for life to be “less messy” and figured that’s when I would start “living.”

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Today, I know I’ve found my mojo. I’ve said it before here, and I’ll say it again. I’ve done the “work.” I’ve asked myself all of the questions. Who am I? What feels right for me? And ya know what? I’ve figured it out. And the way I feel inside is powerful, sexy, and strong.

It’s a slight rush, really, to come home and be almost giddy when you ponder your life and your day-to-day. There is laughter in my home, there is passion and love in my marriage, and there is strength in my family. I am successful, and I am happy.

When my son texts me and asks if we can all have family time and watch a movie together–that is success.

When my husband texts me “Good morning beautiful!” and pulls me into him every night to snuggle–that is success.

When my 3 year old step-son looks up at me and says, “I love you Lowi!”–that is success.

When I can help out a friend, or someone sends me a note about how much my blog has helped them–that is success.

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” ~Henry David Thoreau

This quote from Henry David Thoreau spells out success beautifully. He urges us to advance confidently in the direction of our dreams. Have a dream. Let me say that again, HAVE A DREAM! Dreaming is not a waste of time!

Endeavor to live the life which you have imagined. That means to try, every day, to live that life. It also means that you may not live in the moment of “the life you have imagined” at all times. And that’s okay. Carry on. And most certainly, do not wait until you’ve reached that ever-so-talked about “finish line” to begin living that life. Live it today.

And finally, in the “common hours” of your life, be thankful. Be aware. Success will happen everyday. Make each day an occasion–and rise to it. (Thank you, Mr. Magorium, for such wise words!)

“When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, but you won’t care about it one bit!”

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Lori Out of Darkness

Have you ever lived your life on auto-pilot? You know that feeling…like when you’re driving down the freeway and your brain disappears into thought for a moment while your eyes focus on the car in front you when you find yourself nearly 5 miles down the highway and you kind of think to yourself Wait! How did I get here so fast? Not in a dangerous sort of checked-out way. Alert and engaged, but not paying close attention to all the details around you.

I think most of us slip into moments like this in our life. It could be in your job. It could be in your friendships. It could even be in your parenting or your marriage. The suck of routines, habits and repetition can get the best of anyone.

There was a time in my life where everything was a bit blurred. I went through the motions of “getting things done” and chalked it all up to “happiness” and “comfort.” I later realized that during that phase, something inside me was slowly dying.

Imagine, if you will, having to wrap up your arm, place it in a sling, and no longer being able to use the arm to do every-day things. You cannot move it. You cannot wash it or care for it. You cannot allow it to see the sunshine. You’re still the same, happy person you always were, but you cannot use your arm. OK. That’s manageable, wouldn’t you say?

Days and weeks go by, and the arm gets weaker. The cells in the arm start to deteriorate, and Atrophy sets in. It’s a slow, gradual process. The arm has been neglected. Your demeanor changes. You’re happiness turns to complacency, because you’re used to having to function under the circumstances. And you feel as though you have no choice, because that is the lot you were dealt.

This is exactly what it feels like when you’re living a life feeling controlled and manipulated by something or someone. It can be an addiction, a parent, a spouse, or even a child. When you’re living in this situation, you go through the motions of life and the color and energy within you is trapped.

But a day can come where you can unwrap, move again, and stand in the sunshine. It starts with believing in yourself and not allowing something or someone to confine you or control you. How can I do that, you ask? Start small:

  1. Pick up a skill, hobby or interest you had in your childhood or when you were happiest. My start began with photography and scrapbooking. I dove straight in and remembered how freaking amazing it felt to do something just for myself. Doing this small thing for yourself will build your confidence in you and your abilities.
  2. Spend time outside! Breathe the air. See the beautiful things around you. Take a walk and allow yourself to dream of a life where you are in control and moving forward. DREAM!
  3. Laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. If you’re on auto-pilot, chances are that you aren’t laughing very much. Schedule a girls night at your house and eat junk food and wear sweats and dish about your latest awful days, dates or sexy crushes.
  4. Turn up the music! LOUD! For the 2-year period post-divorce, I woke up every day, turned on a music channel on our TV, and blasted music for all of us as we got out of bed and got moving in the mornings–some of them were difficult mornings. I did this more for myself than for my kids. I didn’t realize the impact it had on my kids until the other day, when I turned some music up (loud, of course) in the morning and my youngest said, “We haven’t had music on in the mornings like this for awhile. I remember when we did that in the old house all the time!” She liked that routine and missed it.
  5. Do push ups, or sit ups, or both. I know this sounds lame, but if you do a few every day you will get stronger. You will feel stronger. You will be stronger. And strength within gets a boost when your body is strong.

It’s amazing how these 5 small things will wake you up! You will see with more clarity. You will begin to feed your soul. And most importantly, you will start to live with more purpose and be engaged more.

My life is filled now with laughter, hope, love, and anticipation, and it all began with these 5 things. Opening your eyes doesn’t have to start as the result of a big shift in your life like mine did. That journey can start when you choose to snap out of it and turn off the auto-pilot.

One of my favorite quotes I found after I got divorced is a daily reminder to me that I do not have to settle or tolerate something or someone that is not good for me, and I leave it now with you:

We cannot make the sun shine, but we can remove from that which may cast a shadow on us. ~Rev. C.H. Spurgeon

Remember that your power and energy should go to yourself. Don’t waste it on someone who isn’t worthy of receiving it. Walk away from those things or people that are nothing but darkness. Embrace the light.

 

 

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Fall is one of my favorite times of the year. Cooler weather and a new schedules as school begins make me happy, and Halloween runs as a close second to my favorite holiday, Christmas.

My kids are getting older now, so the holiday is changing for us. No more scary music playing out the windows or silhouettes of witches upstairs. Now it’s about “teen things” and all about friends. This year they are at their dad’s house for the holiday, and I’m looking forward to doing my own thing.

A friend asked me today if I missed the days when they were small, and I most definitely do. I have such fun memories of the Buzz Lightyear, the 50s poodle skirt girl, the Dorothy and the ghoul dressed in black. But I also have memories that cloud my mind.

Halloween 2002 was the day I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child. My ex was unsure he wanted to have more kids when we discussed having a fourth, but I felt there was one more baby waiting for us up there in heaven. We agreed we would “try” for a month or two but we really weren’t “trying” that much at all. To say I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant is probably a large understatement. Shocked, but absolutely thrilled!

On Halloween evening, I was nervous when my then-husband came home. How would I tell him? Would he be happy? Or upset? He came home from work in a grumpy mood, so I kept the pregnancy to myself as we walked around the neighborhood with our 3 kids. We walked house-to-house, and each time I would try to think of something cute to say to tell him we were expecting, but I just couldn’t find the words.

Later that night, after getting the kids settled with a few of their favorite treats in the other room, I sat at the kitchen counter separating candy into piles. My then-husband watched as I was going through Kit-Kats and skittles and said to me, “Maybe we can actually have sex tonight…you probably have cobwebs growing in your vagina, it’s been so long.”

I could hardly believe my ears. My blood pumped inside of me, and I was angry he was lashing out in the passive-aggressive way as he always did to make me feel guilty. Note to husbands out there: this is NOT the way to make your wife feel special and loved and close to you. It pisses her off.

I stood from my stool, dropped the candy from my hands and said, “Oh really? Well, I’m pregnant, so it obviously hasn’t been that long, now has it. Congratulations.” and I stomped upstairs.

Why would a husband say such a thing to his wife? Why would the person who was supposed to love and cherish me treat me like I didn’t matter one ounce and my feelings meant squat? Who the hell knows? Today, I know better and don’t have to tolerate any of it. That day was not the best of days for me, I must say. But my beautiful girl arrived 8 months later, and she is one of the greatest things in my life.

Halloween will always be a favorite time of year for me. And no bad memory, even that one, can ruin it.

*image: Flickr

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