Posts from the ‘divorce’ category

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When does the desire to win at all costs go away for someone who is used to getting his way?

I love this little blog of mine. I really do. I began this blog when I met my husband, Brandon. For the first time I saw someone who loved me for me and the rush of emotions were dancing in me like a 4 year old at her first dance recital. Ups and downs and fears and confusion ran through me and I needed a place to process all I was feeling.

I’ve come to this blog to write. For me. To open my heart and soul by clicking the keys of a keyboard and pouring my fear, hurt, love and growth onto the pages of this blog. It’s been healing for me. It’s been a listening friend in the dark of night when I had no one to talk to. It’s been a place where kind and loving people have shared their stories and we have learned about the similarities between their paths and mine.

This little blog is now at the center of a court battle, because someone doesn’t like what I write about. Someone doesn’t like that after all of these years I’ve finally found my voice. And that voice is strong. I didn’t have a voice for so, so long, and now I do. He can’t shame me or scare me into my corner where I did not grow or shine or heal. He can’t raise his voice and make the air around me dense and heavy with his glares. He can’t control me anymore. And it bothers him.

I am in love with myself now. Truly and deeply. I don’t need the approval of anyone. I write the truth and I write from my soul and my heart is open. Because he was part of my life for so many years, we are intertwined. His story is part of mine, but it’s not all of my story. I pray he heals and can let me go, but this court battle tells me he cannot.

I cannot say goodbye to my voice, as much as he’s trying to silence it. I won’t do it. The judge may tell me to let this blog go, and if she does, I will. But I will never be silenced again. Because living in the light and in the truth is where love helps you grow.

Keep writing. I will. Keep healing. I am. The support we all feel through sharing our words is what has helped me get this far. And I’m so thankful you’ve helped me find my voice.

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There was a time in my life where the only purpose I knew was keeping my family happy. The years and years of being a “yes girl” added up to one big blur of a human being who oftentimes gave up her own happiness so as not to rock the boat.

Passions within me died. Hobbies forgotten. I didn’t even recognize my own voice, because I heard my mother’s or husband’s voice in my head and regurgitated their opinions and ideas. That is not living with a purpose, whatsoever.

Writing here is my voice. It is my truth. The truth that I never shared before for fear of being yelled at or ignored. Or, heaven forbid, disappointing someone.

My purpose is living my story. And I choose to share that story. That story involves being abused, being manipulated, feeling guilty all the time, and one day learning that all of those things lead to me being strong, confident, and finding myself. The result? I have deeper friendships, an authentic relationship, and I have pride in who I am and own my journey.

I’ve read so many stories of people’s struggles, healing and faith. Writing the TRUTH about your life is a scary thing. To put it down on paper or in an online form makes it real. No one knew that as a child I was mistreated by someone and it changed me forever. They only saw me being a good student and a busy pre-teen. I stayed quiet until I found my voice at 40.

My family had no idea of some of the struggles I had with my first husband, because I kept them secret. I wanted to protect him and didn’t want people knowing he could sometimes say mean things, yell, or be so controlling and jealous that I changed who I was.

But ya know what? They saw the small signs. They could tell I had changed. My older brother saw me at my first Thanksgiving after the divorce and I was playing and giggling loudly with the kids and he said to me, “Finally. You’re back. After 20 years!” That hit hard on me. Had I really changed that much?

I have no need to hide anything anymore. I live my life with purpose. I share this story so others learn that through pain you can find the other side. You can learn so much about yourself and the people in your life when you live with purpose.

Take it from a woman who was afraid to speak with her own voice. You must learn to stand up for yourself. You must find who you are inside and share the real you. When you do that, and share your light, genuine people find you. Opportunities find you. The world opens up to you because you live your purpose.

Keep sharing your story. Don’t be afraid. It’s the first step to owning the truth and being happy.

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No more settling.

The day that little light bulb goes off in your brain, and the fog lifts, I promise you there will be no turning back.

Knowing what you want and asking for it is not wanting “perfect” or being selfish. It’s asking for what you need so you can be happy, grow, live the life you’re meant to live. Conforming and settling isn’t a solution. And by damn, it certainly isn’t the road to happiness.

You can’t hide who you are to protect someone else just to make them happy. The real you will either die inside, (a slow, dark, quiet death) or you will have feelings and emotions bubble inside of you and you eventually blow.

Stop being afraid to be better. Stop being afraid to want more. You need to start with small baby steps for you.

You only have one life. You only have this day once. This one day is yours to make it as incredible and authentic and amazing as you can. Rise to your potential and don’t settle for anything less.

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I’m a little bit behind when it comes to becoming addicted to the popular TV series out there. Last year, we registered for Amazon Prime (hello, this is truly a Godsend to a working mother of 8!). Along with subscribing to auto-deliveries of toilet paper, toothbrushes and deodorant, we get Amazon Video–heavenly when nothing good is on TV. After subscribing, I quickly saw what all of the hype was with Downton Abbey (only 4 years late). Once I devoured the series in a few months, I was on the lookout for another fun series to watch while I was on the treadmill.

As I was sweating away, staring out the window at the gym, I happened upon Big Love. I’m a gal who is born and raised in Utah, and although I’m not a “typical” Utah girl, this series seemed intriguing to me. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the whole polygamy thing (I am sooooo not into sharing), but I was interested in watching the series because of the slight mentions about the Mormon church. So I tried watching the first episode. Aside from the it-really-doesn’t-need-to-be-in-there-so-much sex scene, the show is quite addictive.

The relationships between the sister-wives is intriguing to me. I could never share my husband with someone, but they can. (Let’s face it, the drama is too funny and it’s what keeps us coming back for more)

After being a few episodes in, Brandon’s kids came over for the weekend (as they do every other week). I was playing with our 3 year old and he was telling me about his mom and how they were going to maybe get a new house soon. I was excited for them. What a good feeling that must be for both him and her. “That will be so great!” I exclaimed.

I’m a firm believer that their moms are their moms, and I could never replace them in any way. But I’m also a firm believer that we have a connection that other people don’t. In a way (okay, maybe a strange, far-off way) I’m somewhat married to his exes as well. I listen to their children talk about their lives with their mom’s. I see them at events and when we transition from Mom-time to Dad-time. We are connected this way, and will be for the rest of our lives. Weddings, babies, graduations…we have a lot of events in our futures.

When I meet our 3 year old’s mom on Saturdays, it’s friendly and nice. I always tell him, “Say love you mom and see you Sunday.” Then I turn to her and tell her, “Have a good day at work.” I need to be supportive of her. It’s what’s best for our son. Yes, our son. She’s raising my son, and he loves her as much as he loves me.

As a single mom, I know how hard it is day-in and day-out. I know she tries her best. And I know she trusts me with our son. One day, out of the blue, she sent me a text that said “I was talking to {son} today and he brought you up. I just want to tell you I’m grateful for your help in raising him.” I melted. She didn’t have to do that. She could be bitter and hate me and talk badly to our son about me and turn him against me. But she doesn’t. We’ve both chosen the high road. And he’s better off because we have.

When I married Brandon, the mother of Brandon’s 3 older children wrote on my daughter’s Instagram photo of the wedding ‘Beautiful dress, Lori. Congratulations to you two.’ After being divorced from Brandon for over 10 years, she knows that welcoming a new mother into her kids life takes courage and love.

When my ex married his new wife, I couldn’t have been happier. She’s been nice and accepting of my kids. She’s spoken to me when my ex won’t. She’s raising my children, too. With every part of me, I’m thankful for the love she shows to them. We, too, have a connection that will last forever–our kids. It isn’t easy sharing your kids and having time away from them, but this woman is the best woman my ex could have ever chosen.

All of these women, are in a way, my sister-wives. No, I don’t share a husband with them, but I do share their/our children. I’m lucky. Each of these women love openly, like I do. Each one works hard for their kids and each one is a believer in raising good children.

If I have to be ‘married’ to multiple people, I guess this is how it’s done.

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write your story about divorce and new beginnings

Why do I write?

Why do I share my struggles, lessons, good days and bad days? Why do I write my story? I write because it’s therapeutic. I write because it’s healing for me. I write because giving myself permission to be vulnerable enough to record the details about deep, meaningful, impactful, things in my life–both good and bad–has helped me grow as a mother, wife, friend, and most importantly as a woman.

There are still so many things to write about that I haven’t had the courage to record yet, but I know I’ll get there. In time. Healing is a process, and it moves through us like a quiet stream some days and other days it’s like a raging river.

Through my journey I’ve realized that I lived a life trying to be perfect on the outside. Not because I cared about what people would think, but because I was raised to be tough, hard working and smart. What girl out there could be all those things while sharing the “bad” or “not-so-perfect” parts of her life?

I never talked about things like my breakup with my high school boyfriend and the way it shattered me at 17. Or that I went to church every Sunday smelling like smoke because of my parents and how I felt I had to pretend I fit in around my uber-Mormon community for fear of further judgement. I just wanted to put my head down and keep moving forward.

Just like the Pink Floyd song states, I had become “comfortably numb.”

The numbness continued in my early adult years and throughout my first marriage. Think about others, don’t rock the boat, and don’t ask for anything. That was the woman I had become. In a way, a Stepford wife.

When you stop being a Stepford wife (or daughter or friend), people don’t like it. And ya know, that’s perfectly okay. They don’t have to approve or like you or what you have to say. It’s not your job to please everyone. It’s not your job to paste on a smile and cover for someone when they’re treating you like shit. And it’s certainly not your job to always make things better and smooth the waters for everyone because that’s what you’ve always done.

Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone is cracked in some way or another. Write your story. Keep a journal or blog or write your epiphanies on a post-it note and put it on your mirror so you see it every day. Those lessons of growth and love are glimpses of light and the life you are meant to live.

What is your story? What lead you to the place you are right now? Tell the truth. Own it. Embrace each event that lead you to the you you are right now. I promise that your world will open up once you give yourself wings.

If you’re feeling brave, leave a comment or link me to your story below. I’d love to learn from each of you and continue my journey by following along with yours.

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Divorce is messy. It’s ugly, damaging and frightening all at the same time.

It’s painful to lose a marriage, harder on your children than the meanest, cruelest bully at school and the paperwork and logistical issues will drown you. I would never wish divorce on my worst enemy. But sometimes, divorce is necessary, and it’s worth it.

Last night, Brandon and me and 2 of my kids watched the movie This is Where I Leave You staring Tina Fey and Justin Bateman. Tina and Justin are siblings in the movie, and one part of the movie stopped me in my tracks. Judd (Justin) walked in on his wife having sex with his boss (this part didn’t stop me in my tracks, but boy I wanted him to throw the cake in her face and kick her ass out of the house!) and he was talking with his sister (Tina) about getting divorced.

Wendy (Tina), insisted he wouldn’t get divorced. When Judd asked why she thought that, she told him, “Starting over is complicated and you don’t do complicated, Judd. You never have.”

She told him about how he planned his life out at 12 years old and now had the “perfect apartment” and “perfect wife” and he got everything he wanted. She knew he wouldn’t leave.

Wow.

That was how I used to live.

When things in my first marriage started crumbling, I tried everything I could to ignore them. The disconnection of 2 people. The times I caught him on the internet late at night. The constant time he spent on his phone which was on lock-down or kept in his car or tucked under his leg in bed. The lunchtime workouts when he wasn’t working out at all.

Then I tried fixing things. Sending more texts and making extra time. Buying a treadmill so he could workout at home. Paying more attention to him because he said I didn’t but the “others” did.

I look back now, and I realize I did most of this because I was afraid to leave. Because I didn’t want to upset my “perfect” life. Because if I left, my life would then become complicated.

Yes, I loved him and wanted to save my marriage. But only because of our history and our kids and the comfort we had together. I was willing to overlook all of the mistakes he made with the other women to save my “perfect” life.

That “perfect” was an image I created in my head as a teenager. My life was far from perfect. My husband didn’t treat me like a queen. He didn’t give as much love as I gave to him. He didn’t know my fears or dreams or support me in things I dreamed about or wanted to do. He was indifferent.

Having a spouse who is indifferent towards you is not something a “perfect” life is made of.

Like Judd in the movie, I decided I was willing to try difficult and complicated if it meant finding true happiness. I threw away nearly 20 years and walked away from all of it. I deserved better.

The ride through and after divorce isn’t easy. There are days filled with heartbreak, and those days pop up out of the blue. I see the divorce’s negative affect on my kids every day. But I also see the positive affects of the divorce on my kids every day, too.

I hope this complicated, messy life teaches my kids to be brave and stand up for what they deserve. I hope they see that I respected myself enough to walk away from comfortable and I dared reach for the dream of authenticity, honesty, and love. My life is different now. It’s real. It’s honest. It’s goofy and fun. And I know they see the happiness on my face.

If you’re scared to move your life in a “complicated” direction, just stop and think for a moment. Sometimes complicated is exactly what you need.

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I cannot tell a lie. I adore looking forward to a new year and all of the possibilities it brings. Once Christmas has passed, I am giddy with ideas and plans. Yes, I dread taking down the tree and decorations and putting away the stockings, but once they start coming down I get this strange urge to clean, organize, purge, dream. Some would call this wanting to sit down and think-out the next steps in my life a sickness (my husband, Brandon, thinks I’m crazy). Some, though, know exactly what I’m talking about.

Now don’t go confusing my “looking forward to a new year and new possibilities” with the all-too-sterotypical, self-inflicted New Years resolutions that some people make. I don’t do resolutions. Those seem too set in stone, too harsh, too deadline driven for me. I’d like to think of my looking forward as something less in the “planned” category and more in the “dreamed” category. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Yes, Lori, it makes complete sense! Dreams are a place we escape to. Dreams can be anything we want them to be. Plans, on the other hand, well, plans tend to involve too much thinking and not enough feeling. At least for me they do.

If I told you to sit down and plan out your next year, what’s the one thing that would be a huge factor in guiding most of your decisions? Where you are right now. Your present. Your current job, the city you live in, etc. Damn reality! But if I told you to take a deep breath and dream about the life you want for yourself in the next year, (just do it for a second) it’s like unleashing a tether. This “no boundary dreaming thing” may be an uncomfortable feeling for you, but just try it. You may come up with some crazy idea of living in Fiji in a hut with your children and living off the land for the next 30 years (or until your teens kill each other out of pure boredom, whichever comes first) and the idea will bring a smile to your face (well, the living there part, not the teens killing each other part).

I know what you’re thinking: Lori, I could never live in Fiji–who could afford that? Don’t be ridiculous. But that’s the sweet thing about dreams…they can be whatever you want them to be. Sit in a place filled with love and happiness and just dream. Your dreams are your happiness. Don’t include bills and responsibility (at least not at this point in the process). Just dream.

Once you see those dreams in your head, then you can try to understand the “whys” and “what do I needs” of this process.

Let’s look at the example above: Why are your dreaming about living in Fiji? Perhaps you long to put your feet in the sand and feel the ocean breezes. Or maybe, you’re tired of all of the bills and want to live a debt-free life where you don’t get weighed down by responsibilities. For whatever reasons, this dream took you to a place of peace in your head. Look at it from many angles. Then allow yourself to see if you can squeak some of that dream into your reality.

No, maybe you can’t fly your family to the South Pacific, but maybe you can save enough to take a four-day weekend trip to San Diego. What a trip that could be! If the dream of living off the land is what you long for, start planning now to plant a garden in the spring. Research, study. And celebrate your first crop! Do you see where I’m going with this? If you sprinkle bits-and-pieces of your dreams into your new year and, eventually, into your daily life, just imagine how happy (or accomplished) you’ll feel when you see your dreams becoming reality.

Dreaming hasn’t always been my strong suit, as most of you out there already know. It took me a little while to figure that out. Four years ago, when I was a freshly divorced mother of four, out of work and spending every penny I had on a divorce lawyer, most would have told you I was at rock bottom. And ya know what? That was never even a thought in my mind. It was in those dark days when I finally began to dream about what I wanted. Those dreams kept me going most days. Once I practiced this whole “dreaming” process, I figured out how to keep most of my dreams close to my grasp. I promise that dreams really do come true. They may not be as big and as magnificent as the original dream (I still haven’t been to Hawaii, and that’s been a dream of mine for 40 years), but sometimes close enough is close enough (Brandon and I spent a gorgeous week in Jamaica, and that was far better than my Hawaii dream).

A new year brings endless opportunities, and new beginnings can start many, many different ways. Be aware of you and be aware of your needs. Start a Pinterest board of your dreams. Follow bloggers that have chased their dreams and succeeded. Write them down in your journal. Do something! Your first step to a new beginning is all on you. Take it!

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Life lessons can hit you head on, blind side you, or whack you from behind and leave you face down trying to figure out what the crap just happened. It’s funny how these things creep up on you…kinda like granny panties (Side note: switch to a thong if this happens to you…less material up there makes wedgies obsolete!)

Next week, I’m looking forward to celebrating my 44th birthday. Who am I kidding, no I’m not. I am looking forward to celebrating it in Las Vegas with my husband, but I digress.

As I look back at my 43 years so far, I’ve had my share of life lessons I’ve learned. Some I took like a spoonful of sugar. Others are still a bitter pill I try to swallow with a smile on my face.

After trudging through all these lessons and “aha moments” in my life, I’ve paved the path for others. I’ve been there, done that! The following are a number of things I know to be true. Hopeful a few of these will help you along your journey!

1. When you grow up with a parent who indirectly (or directly) criticizes you about your hair, choice in boys, choice in friends, choice to dance and says “ there’s no way I’m gonna let you go out there and shake your ass” you MUST look within yourself for your value. They don’t want to compliment you or congratulate you because then they (they being a narcissist) won’t be the center of attention. And once they see (in their mind, that is) you passing them in talent, looks or intelligence, they will begin to “hitch their wagon” to you. That extra pressure is like cement shoes. Remind yourself it is not your job to make that personality happy in their life (The life they complain about often to you). It’s your job to build a life for YOU. The one you want. Not the one your mother wants you to have.

2. There’s a phrase that Forest Gump repeats, one that his mother taught him: “Stupid is as stupid does.” The same is true about negativity. Negative is as negative does. I was married to a man who called his sister fat and lazy and expressed his disgust for her, got pissed that the neighbor copied us by painting her water meter to the point that he wouldn’t talk to her, ended a friendship with a couple we often went out with because the husband didn’t tip, and despised a teammate of my son’s because his mother was a bitch. I was raised by a woman like this who had the same mud-colored glasses on. And the more I was around these two, the more deep in the mud I became. My ex and I became so annoyed at that neighbor that we actually moved a few months later. Yes, moved! And yes, the mother of the boy was completely abrasive and spoiled and wanted her kid at short-stop and batting forth and put high demands on the coaches, but that didn’t give my ex a right to tell me he loved it every time that boy struck out. I had to remind this man that the kid up to bat was an 11 year old boy. When you are around this person, you get sucked in to their false reality. You end up griping on the phone together. You go to family dinners and are itching to spread the “how dare theys” and “can you believes.” The energy is heavy and dirty and toxic and it swallows you. Your mud-colored glasses make you critical and constantly looking for everyone’s faults. You must recognize when you think this way and break free from the pull of this type of personality. EVERYONE is good enough. EVERYONE tries their best every day. EVERYONE deserves love. And until a person shows you otherwise, you should be gracious, giving and open. Stop right now and ask yourself Am I with a person like this?

3. Leaving the people with the personalities I’ve mentioned above, whether through a divorce or by setting boundaries, is never an easy thing when you’ve spent considerable time with these people. I’ve seen that lots of people move in and out the narcissist’s life. But those of us that have stayed with/tolerated/enabled these types of people have a hard time truly leaving. Sense the signs early. These people will make you feel guilty for having your own goals. They poo-poo your ideas or shoot your dreams down, always pointing out how they’re absurd. It will take everything you have to pull away. They will toss and tangle you in their games and you must keep walking.

4. Once you finally get away from a narcissist, you will not be yourself for awhile. It’s a strange, crazy phenomenon to be mourning the “old” you and at the same time trying on so many “new” yous. It’s freeing and scary and crazy and sometimes, it’s stupid. You might lie down at night and hate yourself for some of these moments. There are things I felt and did and tried that I glance back on and think Yeah…that wasn’t so smart! But those things are part of my journey. And each is a thread in the pieces that make me, me. I mean, really, I didn’t date much as a teen so taking off for a weekend to St. George with a man I only spoke to twice on the phone isn’t the “old” Lori (or all that smart for that matter). But the “new” Lori said yes and met a great friend and we shared lots of divorce drama stories. Be careful with yourself. And be forgiving.

5. When a beautiful 21 year old guy grabs you and pulls you into the bathroom to sneak a kiss before you return to your table, let the moment happen. At 41, to learn that lesson, well that was a spoonful of sweet, sweet sugar.

6. When someone tells you they love you, and you think they’ll love you forever, there’s a chance they don’t even know what love is. Or their too proud to show it. Or they just never loved you in the first place. And that’s ok.

7. Your kids will heal after the dust of divorce settles…on their own time. And they’ll never be the same. This is a bitter pill for me. At least for now. I’m crushed to see their pain still resurface. I’m shattered their paths were altered forever. I pray every night they each find their true selves and grow and love. Still working on this one.

8. Learning to trust again takes time. And it also takes a leap of faith. People will take advantage of your big heart. People will lie to you. People will look at you with pity in their eyes or judge you for your “unfortunate situation.” Don’t harden your shell. Don’t stoop to their level. Don’t give up on the joys of life and experiencing and growing. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

9. The person you left will continue to throw rocks at you. They will file court orders, they will judge your parenting, they will spread lies about you and spit venom at you at every chance they can. And the sun will rise again tomorrow. And it will be another wonderful day you can celebrate being free.

10. Invest in people who invest in you. So many people surround me and support me and care for me and love me and my life is full. No one makes me feel guilty. No one puts me down. They don’t criticize me. They are there for me. Genuinely and sincerely.

11. When someone new tells you they love you, and you think they’ll love you forever, there’s a chance they just might.

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I’m not quiet and shy. You won’t find me sitting in the corner at a party watching all of the action from the sidelines. It’s not in my nature. I’m a strong, athletic woman who at 5 foot10 inches tall can walk into a room and intimidate people. Ask one of my best friends about her first impressions of me and she’ll tell you about seeing me in the hallway of our kids’ school and thinking Look at her all tall and blonde. She’s got it goin on!

At that time in my life, I was just entering the world of frazzled single momhood and drifting like a lost ship at sea in the dark just trying to find solid ground to land on. My life had been tossed up in the air like a bowl of confetti. It was sprinkled everywhere for everyone to see and falling all around me at a fast rate. I hardly felt “put together” but I was on a journey to find myself again and the glow must have shown on my face.

After being with someone for nearly 20 years who didn’t seem to appreciate the “true” me, I had turned into a quiet, unsure human being. I’ve spent lots of time doubting myself, my looks, my worth. I lived in that zip code for waaaaaaay too long! Near the end of that relationship I began my metamorphosis into the strong, happy person I am now and I’m not apologizing one bit for my strength and confidence. (Damn, that sounds cocky and outright snobbish–but it’s not meant that way at all!)

It wasn’t a very long road back to confidence and true-happiness, because starting my new life was like freeing my soul to live its true purpose. Most important to note: I got to this place on my own. I didn’t jump into one relationship after another to fix myself. A man didn’t help me feel beautiful. Money didn’t make me feel successful. It all started within myself.

Yes, there were (and are) days filled with self-doubt. But not many. I catch myself when I’m putting myself down in my head. Those crappy self-talks you have in your head about how dumb or crazy a mistake you made was or how your stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be? Those aren’t allowed! So stop that right now. Think of all the wonderful things you are and how far you’ve come.

Today, I am one week away from turning 44. I’ve raised 4 kids, sacrificed a lot for a marriage that failed, paid lawyers fees, moved my kids, embraced the opportunity to grow, and moved on with my life. I am more loving, confident, sexual, outgoing, fulfilled, happy and positive than I ever have been in my entire life. And people notice.

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There’s a certain energy that surrounds you when you enjoy the person you’ve become. You will walk taller. You smile more. Your owning it and feeling like the sexiest woman on the planet will have people feeling drawn to you and you will soon be booking long weekends in bed with your spouse or significant other. If people can’t embrace that or want you to change because their insecure or can’t handle your confidence, don’t change who you are for them. You will only end up unhappy and broken. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!

I challenge you today to quiet that critical voice in your head. Practice smiling. A lot. Laugh. Flirt even. Hell, take your clothes off and stand naked in front of the mirror and name, out loud, 10 beautiful things about your body. You can do this! Stop comparing yourself to an image in your head and get your sexy on! Up your energy and own who you are. There is no one else out there like you so show people the best you. You’ll be happier, and they’ll be happy you showed them who the best you really is!

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Mojo.

Confidence.

Comfortable in your own skin.

Authentic self.

I think it’s quite safe to say that everyone is here on earth to find it. No matter what you call “it,” it is at the core of happiness and the true sign of success. Many people are fooled to believe that such happiness is purchased with cash (or credit–depends on the person) and it’s meant to be shown off to the world. You’re successful when you have a large home, new cars in the driveway, glamorous vacations multiple times a year, and…

Wrong.

I remember there was a point during my first marriage when I felt as though something was missing in my life, and I couldn’t identify it. I felt like there was something more in the world/my life for me and my family. I wasn’t sure what that was, but I knew I needed to find it.

This comes as a surprising admission from a girl who seemed to have it all from the outside. Even as I write this it’s strange to admit out loud. I was a woman who had just had her second child–the second of two in two years. Two wonderful boys. We had a beautiful home, and we both had worked hard so I would only have to work part-time and could be home with my kids. I had always wanted to be a mother, and these children were my greatest blessings. Yet somehow, I felt lost in my life. My life as Lori.

One day, as my baby and my 21 month-old napped, I turned the channel over to Oprah and watched as she interviewed Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of her new book, Something More. I listened as her and Oprah chatted about gratitude, joy, simplicity. All the things I longed for in my life yet couldn’t see in front of me. I looked around at my life and felt quite selfish for wanting more when it seemed I already had so much.

I soon picked up the book and began to read it. I felt embarrassed for my then husband to see it, because I knew he would judge me and make fun of me as he often did when I went on one of my “personal growth” journeys. I read through the exercises and made mental notes about “returning to my childhood” and “excavating my authentic self.” I began tapping into the Lori I used to be, but I never did finish that book or my personal journey…life, more children, and other distractions took over my day-to-day.

It’s a shame I stopped “searching,” really. Because now, I look back at that moment in time, and I see that’s when I realized things in my life were becoming very empty. My ex had become friends with a woman at work, her husband had called me to see why our home number was appearing on his phone bill all of the time, and I was told I was “overreacting” when I asked my spouse about the phone call. The tides were changing in our marriage, and I became more and more the strong mother rather than nurture myself or my already failing marriage. The feeling of something is missing was pushed to the side and I went into survival mode.

I became the girl who looked forward to “someday.” “Someday,” when my kids are older. “Someday,” when we have more money. “Someday,” when we build our dream house. “Someday,” when I go back to work full-time. The list went on and on.

But life was happening right then. I was so busy planning for life to be “less messy” and figured that’s when I would start “living.”

SarahBanBreathnach

Today, I know I’ve found my mojo. I’ve said it before here, and I’ll say it again. I’ve done the “work.” I’ve asked myself all of the questions. Who am I? What feels right for me? And ya know what? I’ve figured it out. And the way I feel inside is powerful, sexy, and strong.

It’s a slight rush, really, to come home and be almost giddy when you ponder your life and your day-to-day. There is laughter in my home, there is passion and love in my marriage, and there is strength in my family. I am successful, and I am happy.

When my son texts me and asks if we can all have family time and watch a movie together–that is success.

When my husband texts me “Good morning beautiful!” and pulls me into him every night to snuggle–that is success.

When my 3 year old step-son looks up at me and says, “I love you Lowi!”–that is success.

When I can help out a friend, or someone sends me a note about how much my blog has helped them–that is success.

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” ~Henry David Thoreau

This quote from Henry David Thoreau spells out success beautifully. He urges us to advance confidently in the direction of our dreams. Have a dream. Let me say that again, HAVE A DREAM! Dreaming is not a waste of time!

Endeavor to live the life which you have imagined. That means to try, every day, to live that life. It also means that you may not live in the moment of “the life you have imagined” at all times. And that’s okay. Carry on. And most certainly, do not wait until you’ve reached that ever-so-talked about “finish line” to begin living that life. Live it today.

And finally, in the “common hours” of your life, be thankful. Be aware. Success will happen everyday. Make each day an occasion–and rise to it. (Thank you, Mr. Magorium, for such wise words!)

“When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, but you won’t care about it one bit!”

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