NOT duck face.
Today is a day where I toss up the white flag.
I’m trying to figure out if I’m just being weak (or a wuss, whichever you prefer), or if I’m really, really trying to take on too much. And after all of the in-depth soul searching, I’m finding that it’s some of the first but more of the later.
The past few weeks have been filled with hectic, emotional things for me. Selling my home. Purchasing a new one. Problems with my ex not providing his proof of child support checks unless I paid him $150 for the fee of splitting of our 401K (long story–can you say blackmail?) and issues with our house-sell funds being wired on the right day and having to fight with the builder to let us occupy the house early and wondering where we’d sleep until the funding went through. Dealing with the builder and their employee (ex’s wife) taking my ex through MY house. Moving alone, with the help of my brother and 2 neighbors because Brandon had to work Friday and Saturday (those are his busiest days at work). And now trying to settle into our home, being buried in boxes and clutter, and realizing that we don’t have enough money in the bank to put in the yard AND finish the basement–which means cramming 6-10 people into a 1500 square foot space (that’s not even mentioning the stress of delivering that news to my four kids who are sharing rooms and packed in like sardines at the moment).
I’ve officially hit the wall. (not literally, although I’ve considered it.)
Trying to balance life is a difficult thing for everyone. I’ve oftentimes found myself scouring for advice, quiet time, lists etc to help me feel like I’ve gained some amount of control over my life the past few years. But ya know what I’ve learned? I’ll never ever have it under control.
I work 40+ hours a week at my job and raise my 4 children daily. They go to their dads a day or two a week, but for the most part it’s me doing all of the homework, running around, shopping, haircuts, mentoring etc. Brandon is there when he can be, but his job has him away for a good majority of the week. Add on top of all of this Brandon’s 4 children and spring sports (softball, soccer, which has us going almost every night of the week and all day on Saturdays), and I’m almost curled up in the fetal position in the corner.
I’m buying dinners on the go, because I run in the house at 5:00 and grab 1-2 kids to run out the door for a choir concert, practice, training or game. I HATE spending money on food out. My brain plays with the idea of if “I didn’t work full-time, I wouldn’t be so busy” and I could cook more at home which would save us money. I would also be home at 3:00 to help with homework, laundry, and organize the house before the dinner hour and we’d be settled into a routine by the time Brandon gets home from work.
Playing with that idea is a common thing for moms who work.
Is it true that we can’t have it all?
If I had my way, I wouldn’t work full-time. That was never in our “family plan” when I was married to my ex. We made a conscious decision for him to go to college (twice) and get his degrees so he could support our family and we chose to have 4 kids knowing that I’d be home to raise our family. Well, that dream went to shit and now I work full-time PLUS raise the family. It hardly seems doable some days. I worked full time with 3 kids under 3 to put him back through college to cement that plan in place, and ya know what? NOTHING is for sure.
Now I work, and I work hard. If I’m kicking ass at work, I feel like I’m dropping the ball at home. And if I’m in my mom-groove and in the mom zone, I feel like work suffers and I’m unavailable. There’s just no winning. Do I ever think I could be a stay-at-home-mom and not work at all? Probably not. I enjoy working hard and creating wonderful things and changing lives. but all of these things should be pointed directly at my family and less-so at a job that is just a job.
I’m not a “career woman”! Hell, I’m not even a corporate ladder climber; not since I became a mother. These kids are my life. And after a long, heart-wrenching talk with my 15 year old son the other night, I realize that the divorce and life has taken me away from the core of my life. It’s time for that to change.
My husband gets frustrated I’m so busy and grumpy about running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And I’m frustrated because my husband works so much and I’m taking on a lot of this on my own. And our kids are frustrated they don’t see either of us much. Sounds like the tail is waggin’ the dog, doesn’t it?!
Was it a mistake to purchase a new home and increase our payment? Who knows. But we needed the space. Were Brandon and I crazy to try and blend 2 jobs, 3 ex’s, 8 kids and our baggage into one life? Again, who knows. But we love each other and think we can make all of this work.
I’m finding that my frustrations have led to me losing pieces of myself again, because I feel like I have to concentrate on so many balls not dropping. And ya know what? I can’t do that any more. I simply can’t. Most women would have probably had a break-down by now. You think I’m being over-dramatic, but I’m completely serious. I simply say the phrase, “We have 8 kids!” and everyone looks like I have 3 heads and runs in the opposite direction. If I said, “yeah, I work full time, my husband works 50-60 hours a week, and we have 8 kids who are all active in competitive sports blah blah…” I think their heads would implode on site.
On days like today I need to pat myself on the back for all I do. I do a lot, damn it! And I keep this family running! And in the same regard, I need to allow myself the room to say, “I can’t” or “no” more often than I do. I can’t please everyone. Say it with me, “I can’t please everyone!” If I don’t learn to do this, I’m not going to be worth a damn to myself, my husband OR our 8 kids.
Today is a day I wanna give up. But guess what…today will be over, soon.