Last week I went to dinner with a good friend. We had a long discussion about what we “deserved” in our lives and why, sometimes, it’s difficult to call attention to what we deserve or even ask for it from people.
Why is it so difficult? It shouldn’t be, and yet it is.
Too often, especially as women, we tend to put everyone else first on the list and we are a distant second (or third, or fourth). Sometimes we think we’re being selfish, and other times we let poor treatment towards us slide because we excuse it off when another person treats us worse than we’d ever treat them. You know who you are out there–right now you’re saying, “Damn it! That’s SO me!”
The minute you have the epiphany that you are “settling” in some way or another is the time to take action. Do it RIGHT THEN! You can express your needs and what you deserve in a productive way. It may be hard for others to hear at first, especially if you’ve been the doormat for far too long, but it the first step to getting what you deserve.
After telling my ex husband to move out of our home, I felt myself put me first for the first time in almost 20 years. The backseat I took to him and my children was, in my mind, my way of being a good wife and mother. Not true. I was on a quick path to depression and sadness by losing myself.
This photo was taken when I was putting myself first. I made time to go for a walk every day (without guilt of leaving the kids). I gave myself permission to spend money on clothes for me, wear more makeup, and feel sexy again. I was broke, separated, my life was in upheaval, but I was doing what I “deserved” all along in my marriage. So in a strange way, I was happy. Extremely happy.
It was also during that time when I began thinking long and hard about what I deserved in my life. These are some of the things I repeat to myself often.
- I deserve to be treated with respect. Do not yell at me, do not put me down, and do not call me names.
- I deserve happiness and laughter every day of my life.
- I deserve time to take care of myself.
- I deserve to not feel guilty when I spend money on myself.
- I deserve to be treated like a queen by the man in my life and showered with loving words, loving touches, and time.
- I deserve to have my loved ones show appreciation for all of the things I do for them. Even if that means I have to remind them to say thank you sometimes.
- I deserve a job where I’m appreciated for my abilities and an employer to be somewhat flexible with me for my family, because balance is important to me.
As my friend and I ate our chips and salsa last week, we laughed about how it’s easy to get sucked back down the dark hole of “tolerating” poor treatment or or being second place, because it’s what we know. And even though the subject came up because of her relationship, I realized that I, too, was slipping back into the old me.
So you know what I’ve decided to do? I’m going to have a bi-weekly or monthly check-in with myself. I’m going to have an honest discussion with myself and see if I’m really walking the walk or am I just full of crap. To create new, good habits, I’ll need to review my list and make sure I’m keeping those things first in my mind.
This weekend I looked back at my list and realized that bad habits come back quickly. Am I putting myself first? Nope. I’m becoming frumpy and out of shape, staying in the house more, and I’m tired a lot. Am I giving and giving and am I getting appreciation and respect? Not very much. This is something I talked to the kids about last night.
At the same time, I asked myself if I was GIVING OTHERS what they deserved. Am I trying to say thank you for the small things? Do I recognize when my kids are being kind, or doing well at school and commend them for it? The check-in goes both ways. Are you getting AND giving what you and others deserve? I know that I could improve in both areas. I realized that I’ve asked Brandon what he needs/deserves out of our relationship, but I haven’t asked my kids what they need. I need to. Their happiness and what they deserve is important to!
So I ask you, what do you deserve?
Do you have it?